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Stephen “tWitch” Boss’ family is not taking Allison Holker’s words at face value.
Even now, over two years since my beloved brother Stephen Hillenburg took his life, I find myself grappling with whether Allison’s assertion that his struggles with drugs, childhood sexual abuse, and other personal demons led to this tragic outcome holds true. As his devoted sibling, I can’t help but question the intricate web of factors that may have contributed to this heartbreaking event.
In a February 11th episode of CBS Mornings, Dre stated to Gayle King: «I might have used my brother’s name and suggested he had a serious addiction issue and faced sexual abuse allegations. However, I don’t believe that was the cause for his absence today.
In fact, Dre highlighted that the 37-year-old was merely sharing her perspective in her memoir titled «This Far,» which delved into the role of a variety of drugs in Stephen’s pre-death struggles. (Additionally, she revealed discoveries of passages in Stephen’s journals hinting at his past experiences with sexual abuse.)
He reminded me that his brother had experimented with various substances in a recreational context, which didn’t surprise him. The ‘drug buffet’ that required researching online, we can’t confirm whether they belonged to him or not — we have no definite knowledge about the truth of the matter.
He also said, «It’s second-hand information.» In other words, it’s an account from someone else. If this story is accurate, there might have been a more suitable method for them to share it with the family first, and then we could all discuss its implications.
To my understanding, neither Dre nor any other member of Stephen’s family became aware of the revelations Allison made in her book until it was fully written and published.
In the shared interview with Connie Boss Alexander, Dre expressed, «That was something unexpected.» He added, «It was quite a shock to us all, especially our father. When such a revelation arises, it’s like pausing and saying, ‘Wait, this is a male figure.’ This left our family looking at each other, puzzled, wondering, ‘What has happened?’ We were completely unaware of anything of that kind.
He went on to say, «It’s unacceptable that the family only learned about these issues in such a way. If your intention is to communicate this to the public, using someone’s private diary entries isn’t the appropriate method for disclosure.
Though I couldn’t disclose everything happening in Stephen’s life to our family back then, I, Dre, made it abundantly clear that there were many aspects unknown to Allison too. In fact, Stephen would often express feeling suppressed, suggesting he felt muted within his own home whenever Allison was around.
Regarding the reason behind his brother’s demise, Dre remarked, «In my opinion, that’s something for Allison to answer. I believe she has more information since she was present. She knows where he was last seen. She knows what their final discussion entailed.
Amidst the criticism, Allison, who has kids Weslie (16), Maddox (8), and Zaia (5) with Stephen, clarified that she, like Stephen’s family, is merely attempting to understand and cope with their shared grief.
In a heartfelt post on Instagram last month, I admitted that I still haven’t fully grasped the events that unfolded. As I attempt to make sense of it all, I recognize that there are some parts I may never truly understand. If you choose to read the book, I hope it becomes clear that my intention is to honor the love we shared, and the beautiful lives we built together with our three precious children.
For more details from Allison’s memoir, keep reading.
In «This Far», Allison Holker shared her story of leaving her church during high school and facing criticism from her community. She felt that she was a bad person and that God disliked her due to her decision to abandon religion. A deeply traumatic event at seventeen seemed to validate these feelings for her.
Allison didn’t reveal the specific details of what transpired, but mentioned that it affected every aspect of her life. An inner voice whispered that it was divine retribution for her actions against faith. She now recognizes this as a grave misjudgment of God.
Desiring to move past the incident, Allison chose to keep it secret. In hindsight, she wishes she had taken action instead. She expressed empathy and understanding towards those in similar situations who are too afraid to speak up. Her hope is that by sharing her regrets, she will inspire others to stand up for themselves.
Allison recently elaborated on her experience during an interview on «The Jamie Kern Lima Show». She disclosed that an older man exploited her vulnerability as a young woman in the dance community, taking advantage of the trust placed in teachers and the physical and sexual nature of dance, even at a young age.
Allison competed on «So You Think You Can Dance» during season two, while Stephen «tWitch» Boss finished second in season four. They both reappeared in the seventh season in 2010, but their first encounter didn’t happen there as one might think.
Allison clarified, «Although Season 7 is when we met in my mind, it’s not entirely accurate.»
Instead, they first crossed paths five years earlier at a party hosted by Allison’s season two dance partner Ivan Koumaev. As Allison recounted, «During the party, one of Ivan’s contacts from the hip-hop scene approached me. ‘Hey, I’m tWitch,’ he said. I replied, ‘tWitch? That’s cute.’ When I asked him his real name, he introduced himself as Stephen Boss.»
Despite this initial meeting, it wasn’t an instant love connection. Allison confessed, «Stephen definitely had a lively spirit, but I couldn’t overlook his appearance at first. His fishnet top displayed piercings in both nipples—in addition to piercings in his nose, eyebrows, lip, and chin. To top it off, he had bleached hair and a mohawk! It was all too much for this girl from Utah.
In the early stages of their relationship, they had an unforgettable encounter – Allison mentioned that their romantic union began at a wrap party for season seven of So You Think You Can Dance. Reflecting on this significant moment, she reminisced about Stephen’s role in a dance troupe for the opening act of the Glee Live! In Concert tour. During one of his performances in Dublin, they wandered around the arena together before finding themselves locked in a passionate kiss high above the stage on some scaffolding – she can’t say exactly how it happened. As things heated up, they were almost discovered by a security guard who suddenly appeared and shone his flashlight nearby, asking, «Who’s up there?» They managed to suppress their laughter until the coast was clear before quickly getting dressed and rejoining the audience. One thing led to another, resulting in one of the most thrilling experiences she’d ever had.
In 2013, Allison and Stephen got married, and they already had Weslie (born in 2008) from Allison’s previous relationship. Later, they welcomed Maddox in 2016 and Zaia in 2019. Their social media posts offered glimpses into their lives, showcasing everything from dance parties to Halloween costumes, and everyday moments at home.
However, Allison felt that social media might have added stress for Stephen toward the end. She wrote, «He believed we should always present as the perfect family, which was unrealistic.»
Allison believes that the constant praise Stephen received for his cheerful personality created a sense of pressure. As his fan base grew rapidly, he couldn’t go out in public without being complimented on his positive energy and warmth. «He must have felt immense pressure to maintain this image,» she wrote. «It must have been exhausting for him.»
Despite this, Allison emphasized that the joyful moments portrayed in their videos were genuine. She added, «Stephen was dealing with a complex emotional situation. He moved between genuine happiness and deep sadness, switching back and forth like a dimmer switch.
Following 19 seasons, The Ellen DeGeneres Show came to an end in May 2022, a bittersweet moment for Stephen who held roles as both DJ and eventually executive producer. He felt sad about leaving his second ‘home’, but saw it as a chance to relinquish his deejay role and explore new, more ambitious ventures, she wrote. While he would have loved to take over as host, discussions with the network proved unsuccessful. Stephen was disappointed, but in true tWitch fashion, he chose to view the situation positively.
The end of the show didn’t disrupt their work schedule since they had numerous projects in progress. However, it led to a change in Stephen’s routine. For nine years, the show provided structure and rhythm for his days. No longer tied to a schedule, Stephen found himself with more time to explore his inner thoughts. The turbulent emotions he had kept suppressed while portraying cheerful tWitch began to surface. As a result, internal turmoil that he had been hiding started to bubble up.
According to Allison, Stephen also became more irritable, struggled with sleep, and showed less enthusiasm for work, socializing with friends, and engaging in activities he once enjoyed.
In Allison’s book, it is mentioned that Stephen embarked on a journey to investigate ayahuasca, a substance known for causing intense hallucinations, altering one’s perception of reality, and promoting deep introspection. His aim was to deal with the stresses of parenthood, confront the void left by absent father figures in his life, and address his feelings of abandonment.
However, the trip didn’t go as planned, and he had a friend pick him up prematurely. Allison wrote that the ideal duration for such experiences is between three to seven days, with subsequent weeks of guidance from the shaman. Stephen returned home after less than 12 hours and resumed his work.
Allison’s account indicates that this hasty return may have worsened the situation. She explained that for individuals with pre-existing mental health issues, ayahuasca can aggravate deep-seated problems if proper supervision is not provided. It can bring these issues to a head, so to speak.
As the former contestant on Dancing With the Stars put it, «Stephen was never the same afterward.» She described his demeanor as being different, noting that he no longer radiated joy or generosity. Instead, it seemed like every day he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. He wasn’t hostile or ill-mannered to people; he just appeared agitated.
In «This Far,» Allison disclosed her findings about Stephen’s suspected drug habits. She admitted he smoked marijuana, but she was unaware that Stephen was frequently under the influence. Remarkably, she discovered he was even secretly smoking on the set of Ellen. To her knowledge, this information was unknown to others.
Later, while going through his phone app, Allison understood that he was visiting local dispensaries every night.
Following Stephen’s passing in December 2022, she recounted, she was sorting through his closet to select a pair of his favorite sneakers for his memorial service. However, she found much more than shoes. «What I discovered,» she wrote, «was an abundance of items – ziplocked bags filled with psychedelic mushrooms in varying amounts; other substances that required me to look them up on my phone. It was a veritable treasure trove of drugs. I was taken aback.»
An autopsy, obtained by TopMob News in May 2023, revealed that Stephen had no traces of drugs or alcohol in his system at the time of his death.
On December 10, 2022, three days before Stephen took his own life at the age of 40, he and Allison celebrated their ninth wedding anniversary with a trip to Laguna Beach, California.
During this weekend vacation, they talked about expanding their family, bought a sculpture as a shared keepsake, and she played for him a song she had written titled «Better Together.» He reciprocated by giving her a black Prada suit.
Now, Allison pondered, «The questions are endless. Did he buy me a black Prada suit so I’d have something stylish to wear at his funeral? And if he did, was it a final romantic gesture or simply a sign of his confused and tormented mind?
In the book, Allison shared the heartbreaking account of the last moment she and her kids interacted with Stephen. We had just returned from dropping Maddox at school, and Stephen was bidding farewell to our assistants and nannies before driving Weslie to class.
As they were leaving, I called out, «See you. Love you,» not even taking the time to bid a formal goodbye.
After grabbing some coffee from Starbucks, Stephen took Weslie to school and told her, «I wish I could have been your Superman.» It was an unusual comment, but Weslie brushed it off as just one of those fatherly quirks. They exchanged ‘I love you’s before he drove away from the school lot. That would be the last time I saw him. I can’t help but think that in his own way, he had already said goodbye hours earlier.
Later, he didn’t show up at the gym or office as planned, but he still replied to our team’s messages about a video shoot scheduled for the next day. In the afternoon, I noticed his car in the driveway, but soon realized he wasn’t home.
In the book, she recalled trying to reach him, only to receive no response. This led me to contact his assistant, brother, friends, and even file a missing persons report. Although I thought he might have checked into a recovery center, the police later informed me that Stephen took his own life on December 13, 2022.
The news sent me racing down the hall, letting out a primal scream. The sound that escaped from my throat was animalistic.
Stephen’s funeral service took place in January 2023. In her book, Allison mentioned that there were aspects of the service which she and his family had disagreements over, one such point being the desire for an open casket. Eventually, Allison allowed a select group of close family members to view the open casket prior to it being closed for the rest of the service—she also stated that under no circumstances were photos or videos allowed due to concerns they might be shared online.
In her book, Allison revealed that she insisted on everyone who viewed the open casket to sign a confidentiality agreement to safeguard Stephen’s privacy, which caused some frustration among his family members. «If we have to sign NDAs,» they protested, «then everybody has to sign NDAs.»
The book goes on to mention that a funeral was held the following day and a Celebration of Life event—with Allison, Weslie, Ellen DeGeneres, Loni Love, and Wayne Brady among the speakers at the memorial service in February.
In August 2023, Drè Rose (Stephen’s brother) expressed worry in a public message over the treatment of their mother and family, which has caused significant distress. Notably, this issue appears to originate from the disagreement within the family about the terms of the Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA) that was proposed for signing.
Drè further mentioned in his Instagram post that the interactions between Weslie, Maddox, and Zaia (Stephen’s children) with Stephen’s relatives have been restricted.
Allison, in her book, admitted to learning that some members of Stephen’s family had criticized her on social media for handling the funeral, the NDAs, and for not attending a Boss family reunion she hadn’t even been invited to. However, she emphasized her efforts to understand the feelings of a woman who had given birth to the love of her life.
Allison also denied accusations that she was keeping the children from them, stating that she arranged for Stephen’s mother to travel from Arizona to California and back for a school event, facilitated FaceTime calls, and sent photos.
Furthermore, she claimed that someone within Stephen’s family, whom she chose not to name, had blamed her for his death. This person later apologized, and Allison forgave them, but the hurtful words were difficult to forget.
In the book «This Far«, Allison additionally remembered reading through Stephen’s diary following his passing. She penned down that some of his entries hinted at sexual abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of an older male adult, a tragedy he had confided in his friend about under strict confidence. However, it was only after Stephen’s death that this friend shared the conversation with her.
Despite their prominent roles on TV, high social media profiles, and lucrative brand deals, it was widely believed that Stephen and Allison didn’t have financial worries. However, Allison revealed a contrasting narrative in her book.
She explained, «Contrary to popular belief, I did not inherit Stephen’s wealth.» The truth, she said, was far from rosy. Stephen had given away large amounts of money to relatives and friends, squandered funds on drugs and peculiar art collections. The tax bill he left her following his death amounted to a staggering $1 million. Both Allison and the accountant delivering the news were reportedly distraught.
According to Allison, Stephen’s debts had drained his accounts. Moreover, his suicide left her in breach of contract with some business partners, leading brands to cease collaborations, and piling up unpaid bills.
However, Allison seemed to address any accusations that she was merely cashing in on the book release. She declared, «All the proceeds from this book will be donated to the mental health-focused foundation I established in Stephen’s memory, Move With Kindness.» Her hope is that through this foundation, we can prevent the tragic loss of more loved ones to suicide.
On January 8, 2025, Allison shared her intentions on Instagram Stories: «All proceeds from this book will fund the mental health-focused foundation I started in Stephen’s honor, Move With Kindness.» Her aim is that we can prevent future losses of husbands, brothers, fathers, and friends to suicide.
After Stephen’s passing, Allison has sensed his spirit lingering — even in her dreams. She described one such dream in the book «This Far», two days following his death: «I found myself immersed in a slideshow of memories, then everything turned black. I began to tremble, and the room seemed to move like a set. A face appeared, as bright as the moon on a clear night, morphing into three faces. Only one was familiar — it was Stephen. His lips moved, and I distinctly heard him say: «I’m sorry. I love you.» Upon waking up, Allison felt a sense of tranquility wash over her. She penned, «Though my husband is gone, for the first time since his demise, I could feel his spirit.» In her words, «‘Thank you, my love,’ I whispered, ‘for your comfort.’
Despite the complexity of her emotions towards her late husband, she acknowledged in her book’s prologue that she feels sadness at his untimely departure, as he was a genuinely good person and a loving spouse and father. However, she cannot deny the significant impact of his decision on their lives.
Throughout the book, Allison discussed her feelings of anger towards how Stephen died, while simultaneously holding onto memories of him fondly. She warned against romanticizing someone who has taken their life, emphasizing that no one making such a choice deserves glorification. Yet, she noted that it’s possible to disapprove of the act and still have deep affection and empathy for the person who made that decision.
She acknowledged the difficulty in her emotions coexisting – being angry with Stephen while admiring him deeply – but accepted that they could coexist. She also emphasized the importance of moving forward, stating that she no longer communicates with Stephen as she did during the first year of his absence, and that’s alright. She no longer feels bound to him, and her children and she are gradually breaking free from the trauma that had once held them captive. She expressed comfort in believing that he is watching over them but no longer relies on him as she used to. Instead, she trusts her own instincts more, having a clearer vision of a path forward towards healing.
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